Signs of
the Changing Times. Now that many
countries are trying to adopt English as their business
language,
sometimes they have need of a good proofreader.
Outside the office of
a Roman Doctor:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN
AND OTHER DISEASES
Japanese have always
had a problem with their "L's" and "R's" in English. After the end of
WW-II, the Japanese heard that MacArthur might be running for
President of the USA, this was said to have been printed on
banners hung in Tokyo:
WE PLAY FOR
MacARTHUR'S ERECTION
In a Paris Hotel
Elevator:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR
VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
In a Japanese Hotel:
YOU ARE INVITED TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Outside a Chinese
Tailor shop:
LADIES MAY HAVE A
FIT UPSTAIRS
A few years ago, on
the door of a Moscow Hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR
FIRST VISIT TO THE U.S.S.R. YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT!
In a Copenhagen
airlines ticket office:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS
AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS
An advertisement by a
Chinese Dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY
THE LATEST METHODISTS
In a Czechoslovakian
Tourist agency:
HORSE-DRIVEN TOURS
WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES
Over the faucet in a
Finnish washroom:
TO STOP THE DRIP,
TURN COCK TO RIGHT
In a Norwegian
Cocktail Lounge:
LADIES ARE
REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
A Detour Sign in
Kyushi, Japan:
STOP!
DRIVE SIDEWAYS
In a Chinese
Supermarket:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE,
WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF SERVICE
Some years ago, an advertisement in a
Russian Weekly:
ARTS BY 15,000
SOVIET PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS
EXECUTED OVER PAST 2 YEARS
In the lobby of a
Vienna Hotel:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO
YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER
In the lobby of an
Acapulco Hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS
PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Bangkok Dry
Cleaners:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS
HERE FOR BEST RESULTS
In an Athens Hotel:
VISITORS ARE
EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT OFFICE
BETWEEN HOURS OF 9 & 11 DAILY
In a toilet of a
London office:
TOILET OUT OF
ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London
department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In a London
office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In a London
office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
And,
sometimes we make our own misteaks...
Outside a
secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health
food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari
park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a
conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO
HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1st FLOOR
Notice in a
farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS
WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a
leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop
door:
WE CAN REPAIR
ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)
A sign often seen in
restaurants:
PLEASE WAIT FOR
WAITRESS TO BE SEATED
Commercial Establishment Signs:
On a Septic Tank Truck
in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on
Wheels"
On a Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2
business."
Sign over a
Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at
your cervix."
At a Proctologist's
door:
"To expedite your visit,
please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your
husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber.."
At a Tire Shop in
Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm
and a leg. We just want tows."
On an Electrician's
truck:
"Let us remove your
shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we
will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room
door:
"Push. Push.
Push."
At an Optometrist's
Office:
"If you don't see what
you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's
window:
"We really know our
stuff."
In a Podiatrist's
office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet
--
miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment
necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's
waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric
Company:
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and
be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a
Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully.
We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling
Station:
"Thank heaven for little
grills."
A sign at a Chicago
Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to
take a leak."
Newspaper
advertisements:
FOR SALE - DESK FOR
WOMAN
WITH FAT LEGS AND BIG DRAWERS
Exercise equipment:
queen size mattress & box spring -$175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian
leather.
Joining nudist
colony, must sell washer & dryer $300.
FREE: FARM
KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Cows, calves never
bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.
Twisted
Headlines:
Some 40% of female
gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women,
up from almost
none a year ago.
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"]
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal
Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders
Clinton
Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Prostitutes
Appeal to Pope
Teacher
Strikes Idle Kids
Police
Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Lawyer Says Client Is
Not That Guilty.
Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell.
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet
Georgia Peaches, California Grown 89 Cents lb.
The Boston Globe ran a story on the Ford/Volvo deal.
The headline was "Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?"
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Man Jumps off 2nd Street Bridge
Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
After Detour To California
Shuttle Returns To Earth
Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
Properly Drafted Will Reduces Anxiety After Death
Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often
Man Found Dead In Cemetery
Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire
Plane Too
Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Drunks Get
Nine Months in Violin Case
Juvenile
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two
Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Miners
Refuse to Work After Death
Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
If Strike
Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon
Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Grandmother of
eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was FED secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be
belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in
years
Man is fatally slain
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10
Years
MORE TO
COME!!!
Here are
several reasons why a second proofing
of Church Bulletins
would be of great value. These bloopers were taken from Church Bulletins around
the country.
Bertha Belch, a
missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.
Announcement in
the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene
Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't
forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
Next Sunday is the
family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot
dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun
time.
The peacemaking
meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
Next Thursday
there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
Barbara remains in
the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She
is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor
Jack's sermons.
The Rector will
preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth into Joy."
Remember in prayer
the many who are sick of our community.
Don't let worry
kill you - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and
Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening
service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir
robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Potluck supper
Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
The senior choir
invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to
join the choir.
Scouts are saving
aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's
group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans,
bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those
of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
Please place your
donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you
want remembered.
Attend and you
will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will
host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.
The ladies of the
Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen
in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7
P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study
will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would
appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
Low Self Esteem
Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back
door.
The eighth-graders
will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
Weight Watchers
will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
T This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
NNext week we will take a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement today.
A bean supper will be held on Thursday evening. Music will follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
